i've lost my voice here for about a month. before that there were weeks. the end of this summer turned into one hiatus after another starting with a concussion and wrapping up with a sickness that i'll spare for you the dramatic story. i will tell you that today, i was able to get out of bed, stand up completely straight and go outside to walk which hasn't happened in quite a while.
i know without a doubt there are seasons in life that have lessons attached. my struggle has been impatience, trying to hurry and learn the lesson so i can move out of this season to the next, and hopefully better one. there have been so many questions rolling around in my little brain these last few weeks: why now? is this from you? is there something in my life i need to get out? i could probably write that list for days. i've had direct answers to some of those questions and some of them not answered at all, ah yes, remember how God teaches us patience?
this month has been full of mornings where i woke up empty. sick to my stomach, exhausted and weak. amidst my most pathetic prayers for help and my struggles to find joy, God made it very clear that He would be the one to fill me, that He would be my source of joy, and that He would be with me when i fell asleep in the bathroom, the hallway, the closet, and yep, even the stairs. His strength would be perfect in my weakness and oh just for fun, he would send a ton of people my way to encourage and pray for me.
i don't want you to think i've got the answers and now i'm all good. this sickness is an every day struggle for me. i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now and limping toward it with some pretty banged up organs. can i just tell you though, that i've never felt more taken care of in my life? by friends and family for sure, but also my a heavenly father who care about me, and wants to use me for his glory! oh the talks we have had these last few weeks. if God rolls his eyes i know he's rolled them at me… he has wanted my trust when trusting him is the hardest (wow theme to the year?) i honestly can't imagine going through the last month without Jesus. he pours a big fat load of grace and mercy on each new day and i am so very thankful for that amount.
i was talking to a friend the other day and he said,
i guess thats the point kids. that every day, even great days full of sunshine and health, we should start it empty, so that when Jesus fill us up, theres no room for self, or offense, or anger, or bitterness (add your sin in here…) or anything else. just Jesus, just his love and his grace and watch what he does with the day.
its his anyway. i'm thankful for that.