i know its been such a long time since i blogged. this season of life is just so busy and like we all say, blogging falls to the bottom of the priority list. i always miss it though. i miss talking things out and sorting through my thoughts by writing them down.
these past few weeks have been hard and also wonderful. i've been able to visit so many people i love and share hugs and laughs. its always so great to be in virginia. but in an effort to be transparent with you, i'll tell you i feel like i'm on the edge of tears all the time these days.
at the begining of this year i prayed over and over that the Lord would give me a hunger for his word like i'd never had before. well he did just that and my time with the Lord has been far greater than its ever been in these twenty years i've know him. but i'm finding that the further i get in my relationship with Jesus, the more i am so, so broken by the sins i see in myself and around me. i have never struggled with thinking i'm good enough for Christ, i know what i am. the chief of sinners and all that. but as the Lord is reaching in a picking apart those things i thought were hidden, its tares me apart and frees me all at once and i've just been overwhelmed with it all.
and in the middle of all this "fixing" the discouragement has hit like a mac truck. i was telling someone the other day that i don't think i've ever been this discouraged by the world but simultaneously encouraged by the Lord. it seems these days that everyone is fighting. over race, religion, roommates, exes, money, or basically anything that doesn't go the way they want it to go. i am guilty of it too i know this.
do you ever get a theme from the Lord? like its everywhere you look/read/hear? well the theme of right now is that as a servant of the Lord i am called to be gentle and to love the brethren. to be meek and remember that Christ died for the sins of others like he died for mine. to speak evil of no man and to be careful with my testimony because its directly linked to the Savior. and with all that my righteousness is as a filthy rag and i should remember to see my need for Jesus. he didn't want my best self, he wanted my worst.
so basically i am a mess these days. but i know its actually a great thing. and i'm so thankful for a God who wants to grow me, no matter how much it hurts sometimes. hallelujah what a savior.