i cried too much yesterday to write anything.
yet here i am today, i’ve only cried twice and i’m hanging in there. the internet can be a really terrible place i am reminded these days. full of opinions and arguments, back biting and fights. really it probably hasn’t change much since the virus happened, we are just all online to see it more these days. i deleted apps from my phone today. it was all too much. the things that are supposed to be encouraging to us are sandwiched in-between pandemic memes and fights and warnings. i am realizing i’m way too weary to pick through them anymore and this morning i repeated to myself that the God of all comfort lives inside me, not inside my facebook.
why am i tired today? i think i am constantly trying to live the middle ground of things and with all thats going on in the world right, it feels like there is no middle ground. so i am either at, this is all ridiculous, or yelling at everyone to keep six feet away from me. i think i hate extremes. except for extremely dark chocolate. i can get behind that.
there are rules to follow now in the mandatory shelter in place. you can go for walks or be outside but you can’t gather in a park. no hammocking or things like that. you can only leave your home for necessities like groceries or medicine. and somehow taco bell is still thriving… proving what i have always thought, that it is vital for life.
it is a weird world we are in. somedays i feel it so deeply in my chest and it squeezes and hurts so bad i cry. some days i can keep my focus and go for walks or write my friends letters. who knows what tomorrow will bring? oh right, Jesus does. and i guess thats the God of all comfort at work.
also, here are actually thoughts that have flitted across my mind today:
“the stay at home order is now mandatory…should i order more yoga pants?”
“when this is all over, ZOOM is going to be a trigger word for a lot of people….”
“is it just me or…yes its just me.”
*looking into my closet* “but why would i put on jeans?!
“i bet i can do a handstand now.”
what counts as a necessity… baking goods?
how can i have a baby in one month so i have something to focus on?
should we foster a dog? a cat?
where can i get sidewalk chalk?
its going to get better i think.